This past weekend’s Value Voters Summit was a must-attend event for America’s bigot class, and any comedian who traffics in impersonating right-wingers. At the same place where Maggie Gallagher and Carrie Prejean pulled the victim cards, attendees also heard from Michael Schwartz (bigot Sen. Tom Coburn’s chief of staff), who provides this interesting theory on pornography: It’s all gay! Yes, even right porn is gay porn – and not simply the straight porn which has seven men jabbing at one girl’s orifices! Allow us (er, him) to describe.

Schwartz, who once claimed gays were utilizing AIDS to press their Gay Agenda (thus true!), joined up with a panel on “The New Masculinity,” which was not really a conversation about butch v. femme, but rather had good fathers and husbands could make positive influences. He acquired some very nice insights, like this one:

But it is my observation that boys at that age have much less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of individuals. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t desire to be that method. They don’t desire to fall into it. And that’s a good instinct. After all, homosexuality, we know, studies have been performed by the National Institute of Health to try to prove that its genetic and those studies possess proved its not really genetic. Homosexuality is inflicted on people.

And then, recalling friend Jim Johnson who survived the “homosexual life style for a long time,” Schwartz relayed:

And among the things that he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark. He said, “all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual travel inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-aged boy about this, do you think he’s going to want to venture out and get a duplicate of Playboy? I’m confident he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.” You know, that’s a, that’s an excellent comment. It’s a good point and it’s a very important thing to teach young people.

Inwards? Well, sure, porn helps you discover out, inwardly, what you’re into. It arouses you, inwardly, if only because there’s probably no ready sexual partner around an 11-year-old. But what’s some of that got to do with homosexuality? A boy using his own penis will make him crave more male organ? The only way that could happen is usually if, uh, he’s already gay.

Now it’s unfortunate, after that, that this website’s readership is nearly exclusively queer, but if we asked directly guys if, when they were kids, they wished to look at porn, we can say with a confidence degree of 98.99 percent, the answer will be a resounding Yes.

The only way to discover, of course, is to provide porn to 11-year-olds. Schwartz could probably help us with that experiment.