A Few Things Gays Should Stop Getting Afraid Of
1. Shirts with sleeves. I know nothing says “I’m right here/queer” like an exposed arm moment but perhaps you should start experimenting with wearing stuff that cover your body. Perhaps you should own a turtleneck? Ha ha, I’m just kidding. A turtleneck is enemy #1 in the gay globe. When you see all that fabric, you begin to sweat and swat at invisible flies. “OBTAIN IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF Me personally! DON’T MAKE ME LOOK AT THE TURTLENECK ANYMORE!”
2. Acting “as well gay.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? HONEY? CAN WE DISCUSS IT? MAY I GET MY LIBERAL ARTS BOI Eyeglasses ON? You can’t be as well gay. It’s difficult. There’s no such thing as possessing the right amount of gayness. You will be sucking ten dicks on Christopher Street while getting fed poppers and having your ass eaten out and it still wouldn’t be “too gay.” End freaking out! You are great and gay just the way you are! And when people let you know that you’re acting so gay, they’re just attempting to shame you for acting “feminine.” That’s all types of screwed up, y’all!
3. Lesbians. Obvs.
4. Your best gay friend falling deeply in love with you or vice versa.
5. Vaginas. Look, I’ve performed some lighthearted vagina shaming in my own day but I don’t actually Dread vaginas. I bet they’re in fact great! Besides, do you think penises are far better? They’re veiny, reddish colored, and sometimes bent like a U-Turn! We only endure them because they obtain us hard.
6. The South.
7. Ourselves! Self-loathing and gays proceed together a touch too perfectly. Despite our hubris and funny jokes, a lot of us just don’t like ourselves deep down. That should stop.
8. Body fat. Stop being afraid to getting fat so I can just get fat currently. Please. Your vanity is keeping me back from being the individual I want to be.
9. Bros. That one is hard. I’m very scared of bros too. Like I see their beer pong desk and I just start sobbing on the spot. “GET ME OUT,” I scream, clawing at the walls. “It’s not safe for me personally here!” But maybe I’m simply being a large gay baby about any of it. Maybe I just haven’t been exposed to the proper bro yet. So far, the ones I’ve met possess either been homophobic misogynists or they claim to be understanding and state stupid things like, “Wow. You’re like the coolest gay man I’ve ever met. I bet you pay attention to Florence & THE DEVICE!”
10. Not being cute plenty of. Guess what? When you attend a gay bar, you will always see someone who is 5% cuter than you. Have you any idea how many instances I’ve gone into a gay bar and seen guys who look precisely like me except they possess a better body or a slightly nicer encounter? That’s the gay thing about being gay. We’re all made of the same parts therefore we can’t help but compare. But, like, what are you going to do about any of it? Cry? No! You wanna make out, so push down those insecurities and go speak to the guy who’s 5% cuter than you! Who knows, he could be thinking the same thing about you.
11. Dancing. Simply kidding, that’s simply me! I’m the just gay dude who doesn’t prefer to dance! Significantly, can people stop dancing therefore much? You’re making me appearance bad!
12. Intimacy. If you ask me, I’ve encountered a lot of gay guys with glittery walls up, myself included. Actually letting another dude like you can be terrifying. It’s our Berlin wall that people just gotta tear down. We gotta allow a dick into our heart rather than our ass.
13. Great music. Sorry gays, I’m on that generalizing tip at this time, but would it kill some of you to hear something other than top 40? I love Britney and all that noise but that stuff is only best for the club or getting ready to go to the club. If I’m in the home at three o’clock in the afternoon, I don’t need to listen to something that reminds me of drunken makeouts on the sidewalk. Simply come over and listen to my weird shoegaze with me! SHOEGAYYYYYZE.
14. Being somewhere that’s not gay. I know some homos who hardly ever leave their gayborhood. They simply walk in a circle around all the gay people, gay restaurants, and gay bars, rather than think to step beyond it. They’re like full-period homosexuals. It sounds exhausting! Broaden your horizons and move hang somewhere that’s a combination! Don’t go to your gay brunch and consume your little gay muffins with your gay friends for once!
15. Your dad. Unless he’s legitimately scary. In which case, RUN! MOVE TO NY!