How to be gay in a few easy steps.
Discover that you like men when you’re 14 and in the shower. Think to yourself, “That is just great.”
Keep it a secret for a couple of years. In the meantime, dye nice hair strange colors and inform people that you watch Queer As Folk for the storylines. Masturbate a stunning amount. Become worn out and depressed.
Come out to your very best friend in her car on the side of the highway when you’re seventeen. Feel liberated and opt to inform everyone you know. If you’re lucky, everyone will understand but still love you. If you’re unlucky, you will be judged or even worse, disowned by your family. For the sake of this how-to, we’ll assume that you’re lucky.
Throw yourself a coming out party. It’ll be the first of many unnecessary festivities you will throw during your life time. Love yourself and love being homosexual. Know that your daily life is just beginning and feel happy about any of it.
Disappear completely to New York or San Francisco for college and be a full-time homosexual. In the next four years, become subjected to various different types of homosexual men. Meet unwanted fat hairy homosexual men who sing in choirs, thin tan kids who run monitor, vegans who want to go to India, serial monogamists, sluts, Female Gaga followers, Grizzly Bear enthusiasts. Flavor every color of the gay rainbow. Begin to comprehend that the thing that links all gay men jointly is a shared love of male organ.
Be a proud gay man and a self-loathing asshole. Have a bitchy attitude towards gays who are different from you and fail to discover why. Walk out the right path to avoid stereotypes. You aren’t promiscuous so you don’t really do drugs. Wear these facts such as a badge of honor. Turn into a holier-than-thou bitch. Despise the narcissism and vanity that pervades homosexual culture. Succumb to doing crunches before bed and taking photos of yourself when you have a good hair day.
In the rare occasion that you go to a gay club, feel undesirable and anxious. One night, get really drunk and collect Kyle-an aspiring TV personality with a nice ass. Awaken the next morning hours and feel guilty about doing such a “gay thing.”
When you graduate, become less critical. Sign up for a merchant account at Ok Cupid and feel alright about it. Worry that you’ll end up a bitter lonely old queen so do something to ensure this doesn’t happen.
Find a good group of gay friends. Realize how essential it is to have your homosexual brunch discussing your gay things with your gay friends.
Meet weird people on Ok Cupid and start to panic. Be 32 years old and question if this will be your daily life: buying a depressed organic TV supper at Entire Foods and consuming it while watching Antique Roadshow. This can’t be it. This won’t be it.
Go back home for Christmas and have awkwardness with your father. Your mom massages your scalp and lets you know that she understands “a homosexual” in her yoga exercise class and would you like to be create? No, Mom. No.
Meet the man of your dreams at a Starbucks. Combat over the last packet of Splenda and realize he’s the one. Be pleased that you’ve narrowly avoided a life of Craigslist ads, Grindr and bare meaningless sex. You did it. You won.
Become domesticated. Go to the Farmer’s Market to purchase your breads and go to the occasional wines tasting. Hang out with other gay couples and feel safe.
Your lover cheats on you several times. You forgive him because the alternative is so much worse. You won’t leave him and return back into the scary gay world. You merely won’t get it done. Sorry.
Discover a way to balance “you” and “gay you.” Don’t be afraid to decorate in drag and use a cock ring. You are able to do those ideas because you’re normal and you are loved.
Wonder what it means to be gay and if you were ever truly okay with it. Think about it a lot. And stop.