When Partner Lied and Cheated – facts about cheating and useful tips for gay couples
Infidelity is murky territory.
Nothing destroys the building blocks of trust and security in a relationship that can compare with infidelity will. The homosexual community most importantly tends to acknowledge more liberal types of intimate expression. Without interpersonal norms precluding what’s sexually appropriate or not in the framework of a romantic relationship, gay men are able to decide for themselves the role sex takes on in their relationships. Therefore, most gay lovers create a “romantic relationship contract” of types as they start to combine their lives jointly about monogamy vs. non-monogamy. For all those couples who’ve decided to be monogamous, a partner’s affair with another man can create a whirlwind of chaos and pain-and sometimes, the damage of the relationship itself.
When the “relationship agreement” has been damaged by an infidelity in a gay couple’s partnership, the foundation of trust and respect has likely been damaged. Some men choose to sever their ties, struggling to deal with the boundary violation that’s occurred, while others choose to just work at rebuilding their relationship. Each few must choose for themselves which option best suits their needs and you will be determined mainly by the amount of investment and commitment each must withstand through the unpleasant tasks involved with dealing with an affair.
Even though many relationships don’t survive an affair because of the down sides involved with working through the betrayal and broken trust, many others have the ability to overcome the challenges and have the ability to cultivate a straight better partnership than they’d had before. A few can triumph over an affair!
Making it through and healing from an affair can be done and requires both companions to consider responsibility and channel almost all their energies into fixing their relationship. This short article resolved the possible explanations why we cheat and the impact this may have on the relationship. In this specific article, specific tips and strategies will be offered for those lovers who are motivated to conquer the non-monogamy that has happened in their romantic relationship, therefore promoting their chances for an effective resolution to the crisis.
When your gay lover cheats on you.
When a lover cheats and the affair is revealed or discovered, the two men in the couple relationship both go through a grieving process. The psychology of the issues involved for each man in the couple is different, but there is a common backdrop of pain and shattered trust. Disillusionment sets in, and a flood of various emotions erupts. Anger, betrayal, guilt, disgust, defensiveness, depression, and numbness and shock are common emotional reactions, to just name a few.
You become preoccupied with the affair, unable to think of anything else and it can be hard to concentrate and control the racing thoughts and images your mind conjures up. Everything you thought you knew and believed in now comes into question and you can feel lost, confused, and abandoned. You wonder what’s been real and what’s been a farce from the inception of your relationship. Your self-esteem is wounded, you feel deceived, and your world feels like it’s been turned upside down. The sense of loss is profound and can be traumatizing. You then contemplate whether the relationship is worth fighting for.
We think everyone is cheating — except our partner
Statistics among all sexual orientations indicate that infidelity is pervasive. There are many different reasons why we gay men may cheat on our partners. While certainly the problem may stem from one man in the few (eg. sexual addiction), in my clinical experience, I have seen more cases of infidelity arising as a symptom of something that’s troubling the partnership. The following are some possible underlying factors that contribute to the straying outside our primary human relationships:
• fear of commitment and/or intimacy; cheating as a way of staving off getting too close, being controlled, or being suffocated by one’s partner
• lack of homosexual monogamous role models
• low self-esteem; seeking sex from other people as a validation of one’s attractiveness and self-worth
• boredom; a compelling need to seek thrills, risk, adventure, or variety
• easy sexual access and availability
• society, and gay culture itself, sexualizing homosexual men (just look at the ads in your local gay newspaper or magazine, for example!)
• unhappiness in one’s romantic relationship; feeling unloved or unwanted; psychological distance in the partnership; unmet needs; acting-out because “something’s missing”; searching for emotional connection, attention, affection, and validation that one feels he’s not getting from his partner
• intimate problems in the relationship or lack of sexual intimacy
• sexual dependency, poor impulse control, involvement of drugs and alcohol, or unresolved emotional problems, sexual abuse from the past, or a prior history of infidelity
• purposeful attempt to hurt one’s partner (power-plays, “I’ll show him! I’ll get back at him by sleeping with…”)
• incompatibility with one’s partner; differing life philosophies and needs
Men in particular (both straight and gay) tend to be more at risk and susceptible for cheating on a lover because of the tendency toward being able to separate sex from feelings during sex.
These reasons are certainly not intended to be rationalizations or justifications for having an affair, but knowing your own underlying causes can help in beginning to problem-solve ways of “treating the symptoms” so that your relationship has a chance of successfully continue. No two affairs are alike, so it’s important to understand your unique relationship situation so you can remove the barriers that trigger you and prevent you from claiming the type of relationship you really want.
Tips For The Man Who Was Simply Cheated Upon
• You tend experiencing a great deal of emotional fluctuations as you process what’s happened. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the partnership you thought you’d with your lover and be kind to yourself. Sooth the pain with self-nurturing activities. Also manage any causes that may transmission unfinished business from days gone by for you (eg. being cheated on with a former partner) which means this doesn’t contaminate your present relationship.
• Especially initially, anticipate a period of obsessing and being preoccupied with the affair and its own details. This is normal as you come to seem sensible of what’s occurred, but set limitations with yourself in order not to allow it become all-consuming. Keep the focus on the actual fact that your eyesight is to come through this a more powerful couple. Work hard at countering mental poison.
• Maybe it’s easy to get trapped into feeling like “the sufferer.” Avoid this by identifying the role you might have performed in the affair’s presence. While you’re not accountable for your partner’s choice to cheat, how may you have added to the unfolding episode? Become a dynamic participant to make things better between your two of you.
• Your lover made a mistake and is wanting to make amends now. Don’t make any unfounded accusations or assumptions. Avoid blame, verbal hostility, passive-aggressive “pay-backs”, or behaviors targeted at making him feel guilty or efforts to punish him. This is only going to create more department and no one will feel much better. Find healthy stores for your anger and harm. And don’t start yourself either. Identify what you ought to have the ability to forgive him and yourself.
• Your biggest challenge is likely to be risking being psychologically susceptible again with your partner. This will take time. Pace the relationship for a price where you can steadily “let him back” again. Have your limitations to safeguard your heart, however, not so solidly-built that he does not have any chance of showing his trust and dedication to you. After a while and your trust strengthens, the boundaries can loosen.
Tips For The Person Who Cheated
• First and most important, end every third-party relationships. No more contact! Your relationship won’t have an opportunity if it’s contending for your attention and energy. You might need time for you to grieve the increased loss of your romantic relationship with your companion depending on if there is an emotional connection.
• You’re human being and made a blunder. Avoid beating through to yourself and route that energy into your lover and rebuilding a romantic relationship with him. Take responsibility for your indiscretion and identify the reason why behind the affair. Develop a course of action so that it never happens again.
• Your lover is harming and requires your support. He’ll likely go through an interval where he asks you a barrage of questions about an entire sponsor of issues regarding the infidelity. His distrust in you will need such forms as suspiciousness and insecurity. Even though you feel as if you can’t take it any longer, it’s important to tolerate his moods and answer his questions truthfully and non-defensively. That is part of his healing up process that he must proceed through and really helps to herb the seed products of his starting to trust you again.
• Remember that your lover will likely hesitate to re-commit for you. Focus your time and efforts on regaining his trust, connect more, acknowledge and validate his emotions, and help him to feel very special and wanted.
Methods For The Recovering Homosexual Couple
• Make your relationship the #1 concern! Work hard at determining and getting together with each other’s needs, increase communication, and negotiate your variations. Never take the partnership for granted again and keep it alive with distributed, meaningful encounters and rituals. Forget about secrets!
• “Courtroom” one another yet again. Arranged a “first day” and build following that. Encourage each other and talk about your appreciations for just one another frequently.
• Watch out for telling way too many of individuals in your support system about the affair. This may create additional stressors for you with the probability of torn loyalties being created as well as your romantic relationship not being backed. Keep your limitations upon this private few issue and become very selective in who you confide in.
• Becoming intimate again with each other is actually a “packed” concern here because of the infidelity. Simplicity into this if you’re uncomfortable and begin with non-sexual expressions of love first to re-establish the building blocks of intimacy. Make sure to communicate your anticipations about monogamy vs. non-monogamy in your relationship moving forward.
Most research reveals that gay couples will remain together after an affair
Understand that you are both hurting which both of you need extra support, reassurance, and understanding from each other right now. If you’re truly focused on repairing your romantic relationship, keep blame, finger-pointing, verbal aggression, and judgment from the blend. There’s been enough pain already. Develop an eyesight for an optimistic outcome as a few and keep devoted to that as you feel the difficult grieving jobs involved in getting back on the right track again. And you may!
It’s not necessarily easy, but interactions do overcome infidelity, and you could even turn out better and more powerful if approached the correct way. Don’t hesitate to get hold of a couple’s therapist who is an expert in gay romantic relationships if you’ll still have a problem with “placing the pieces back again together” again. View the affair as a wake-up call to wait to the unmet needs and unresolved conditions that likely can be found between the couple. Finally, persistence and commitment is key and keep centered on your eyesight for the kind of romantic relationship with one another that you’re eventually dreaming of…and make it work!